So I haven't posted for a few days, so here is an update. I haven't really been doing anything lately, just kinda chillin at home. They Dr has scheduled me an ultrasound for April 8th at 10 in the morning, I should be able to find out what it is! It's pretty exciting, I just wish I could get Eric excited about the little things like I am. I had an appointment last week and got to hear the heartbeat for the first time, I cried it was beautiful, but I was also crying because I so badly wanted Eric there to hear that for the first time and he just doesn't seem to care. I don't know what to do with him anymore. I haven't really been spending that much time with him lately, we used to talk and see each other everyday, because I would call him everyday, I quit calling him, now if he wants to talk he calls me, and that is that. I am done chasing him around like a little puppy dog, if he wants to be part of my life he can get in touch with me. I haven't called him in about 3 weeks, he calls me every other day, or every 2 days, and he comes over maybe once a week. I really could care less at this point in time I have other more important things to worry about. Well that is really all I have for now I will post more soon. Love you all!
Sara
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Being random
So I can't sleep, this is becoming quite a regular occurrence and frankly it's driving me nutso. I have always had a touch of insomnia since I can remember and before I got pregnant I took sleep aids so that I could drift off into a wonderful dreamless sleep, now not so much, even Tylenol pm doesn't really do anything but make me lethargic and grumpy lol.
Speaking of dreams, since I got pregnant my dreams have been so frickin weird, I mean we're talking dinosaurs and random adventures with the kids from Harry Potter and Twilight, like crazy weird. I wake up almost every morning thinking "what the heck was that?".
There is a lot going on in my life right now and I am really trying to asses the situation from all angles, I don't know what I want to do right now and it's driving me crazy, and on top of it all Eric is being completely useless right now, the boy is so freaking immature that I can't even stand it. I want to kill him some days, then there are the other days when he calls me up after he gets off work just to tell me he was thinking about me all day, talk about super confusion. I don't know what he want's and until he can figure it out I told him to back off. I care about him deeply and want us to work things out, but I think that he's more concerned with partying all night and sleeping all day. I wish he would wake up and realize that this situation is pretty serious and he's continuously breaking his one promise of making sure I didn't have to do this alone, because at every turn, that's exactly where I find myself...Alone.
Why can't young men understand that there are consequences to all actions, whether they be positive or negative, there are always going to be consequences. I am desperately trying to be patient with him but he's making it increasingly difficult, I understand that this situation is hard on him too, that it's not just hard on me, but he needs to realize how much harder it is to be a young woman in this situation, I mean for crying out loud I have a life growing inside me! How exciting and scary this is, it's really starting to hit me even more now then ever.
In other news, I reapplied at wal-mart and I am hoping to get a call within the week so wish me luck. I am kind of excited to go back, it's my second family out there and I know that they will all work with me so well through all of this.
Anyways that is my rant for the day. Love you all post more soon.
Sara D.
Speaking of dreams, since I got pregnant my dreams have been so frickin weird, I mean we're talking dinosaurs and random adventures with the kids from Harry Potter and Twilight, like crazy weird. I wake up almost every morning thinking "what the heck was that?".
There is a lot going on in my life right now and I am really trying to asses the situation from all angles, I don't know what I want to do right now and it's driving me crazy, and on top of it all Eric is being completely useless right now, the boy is so freaking immature that I can't even stand it. I want to kill him some days, then there are the other days when he calls me up after he gets off work just to tell me he was thinking about me all day, talk about super confusion. I don't know what he want's and until he can figure it out I told him to back off. I care about him deeply and want us to work things out, but I think that he's more concerned with partying all night and sleeping all day. I wish he would wake up and realize that this situation is pretty serious and he's continuously breaking his one promise of making sure I didn't have to do this alone, because at every turn, that's exactly where I find myself...Alone.
Why can't young men understand that there are consequences to all actions, whether they be positive or negative, there are always going to be consequences. I am desperately trying to be patient with him but he's making it increasingly difficult, I understand that this situation is hard on him too, that it's not just hard on me, but he needs to realize how much harder it is to be a young woman in this situation, I mean for crying out loud I have a life growing inside me! How exciting and scary this is, it's really starting to hit me even more now then ever.
In other news, I reapplied at wal-mart and I am hoping to get a call within the week so wish me luck. I am kind of excited to go back, it's my second family out there and I know that they will all work with me so well through all of this.
Anyways that is my rant for the day. Love you all post more soon.
Sara D.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Older poems I have just recently found hope you enjoy
Too Late
Falling further into darkness.
Feeling lost,desperate, and hopeless.
Wanting the pain to attack me.
Kill me inside for what I have done.
Already dead inside my soul.
Wishing to hurt again.
I know I am not alone.
But feel like I am anyway.
No one to talk to
No one understands
It was ultimetly down to me,
I made the choice,
but now I wonder,
was it the right one?
I feel ashamed, scared, and lonely.
Pain, anger, depression, and hate for myself.
Too late to go back now,
can't change the past,
It's too late for me now.
My Weakness
I walk into the room,
and smile when I see you standing there
so warm and inviting
you'll always be my weakness
You offer comfort,
I accept the familiar numbness that you bring to me
so sweet and seductive
you'll always be my weakness
You offer relief,
I revel in the lovely slow death that you bring
so loving and caring,
you'll always be my weakness
I find you everywhere I go,
even though I hate you
I will always need you
you'll always be my weakness
I wish that you would go away
Even though tomorrow I will turn to you and need you again
I hate you
but you'll always be my weakness.
In My Shoes
I wonder how you would feel
if you spent a day in my life
would you look at me differently?
or would you be the same
after spending a day in my shoes.
I wonder how you would act
if you spent a day in my life
would you tell me that you were wrong?
or would you say that you're still right
after spending a day in my shoes
I wonder what you would say
if you spent a day in my life
would you stop going behind my back?
or would you still talk all your crap
after spending a day in my shoes
All I ask of you,
is that you know my life isn't perfect
I know that yours isn't either
but you don't know how much harder mine is
Spend a day in my shoes and see how much you like it
All I ask of you,
is that you let my past die down
I know you have a past as well
but you don't know my secrets
Spend a day in my shoes and see how much you like it
All I ask of you,
is that you leave me alone
I know you don't like me much
but you don't know how I don't like you either
Spend a day in my shoes and see how much you like you
WHY?
I sit here and I ask God Why?
Why is there pain?
Why is there sadness?
Why is there anger?
Why do we cry?
As I ponder all these Whys?
I think......
Without pain we would be unable to appreciate hope.
Without sadness.....happiness would not exist.
Without anger no one would be able to make up.
Without tears none of us would be able to love.
So when I think that.....
Pain, Sadness, Anger, and Tears are bad.....
I think of all the good....
That we would be missing without them.
So there are some of my OLD poems from quite a few years back. Hope you enjoyed
Falling further into darkness.
Feeling lost,desperate, and hopeless.
Wanting the pain to attack me.
Kill me inside for what I have done.
Already dead inside my soul.
Wishing to hurt again.
I know I am not alone.
But feel like I am anyway.
No one to talk to
No one understands
It was ultimetly down to me,
I made the choice,
but now I wonder,
was it the right one?
I feel ashamed, scared, and lonely.
Pain, anger, depression, and hate for myself.
Too late to go back now,
can't change the past,
It's too late for me now.
My Weakness
I walk into the room,
and smile when I see you standing there
so warm and inviting
you'll always be my weakness
You offer comfort,
I accept the familiar numbness that you bring to me
so sweet and seductive
you'll always be my weakness
You offer relief,
I revel in the lovely slow death that you bring
so loving and caring,
you'll always be my weakness
I find you everywhere I go,
even though I hate you
I will always need you
you'll always be my weakness
I wish that you would go away
Even though tomorrow I will turn to you and need you again
I hate you
but you'll always be my weakness.
In My Shoes
I wonder how you would feel
if you spent a day in my life
would you look at me differently?
or would you be the same
after spending a day in my shoes.
I wonder how you would act
if you spent a day in my life
would you tell me that you were wrong?
or would you say that you're still right
after spending a day in my shoes
I wonder what you would say
if you spent a day in my life
would you stop going behind my back?
or would you still talk all your crap
after spending a day in my shoes
All I ask of you,
is that you know my life isn't perfect
I know that yours isn't either
but you don't know how much harder mine is
Spend a day in my shoes and see how much you like it
All I ask of you,
is that you let my past die down
I know you have a past as well
but you don't know my secrets
Spend a day in my shoes and see how much you like it
All I ask of you,
is that you leave me alone
I know you don't like me much
but you don't know how I don't like you either
Spend a day in my shoes and see how much you like you
WHY?
I sit here and I ask God Why?
Why is there pain?
Why is there sadness?
Why is there anger?
Why do we cry?
As I ponder all these Whys?
I think......
Without pain we would be unable to appreciate hope.
Without sadness.....happiness would not exist.
Without anger no one would be able to make up.
Without tears none of us would be able to love.
So when I think that.....
Pain, Sadness, Anger, and Tears are bad.....
I think of all the good....
That we would be missing without them.
LOVE
I find myself lying in a state of despair.
Sitting here wondering why is life so unfair?
I've had great love and I've had great loss.
Is putting my heart on the line worth the cost?
I fall in love than get slapped in the face.
Everytime this happens thats always the case.
All I want is just to love,
Be put on a mantle like an angel from above.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn....
Is just to love and be loved in return.
ENDLESS
Endless pain...So hard to bear
Endless sadness...Your so unaware
Endless nights...Lying awake
Endless days...They make me shake
Endless taunts...You're laughing now
Endless jeers...But why and how
Endless life...So meaningless
Endless death...I wont be missed
So there are some of my OLD poems from quite a few years back. Hope you enjoyed
Broken...
Broken can mean so many things,
maybe just a little damaged,
maybe it means beyond repair.
When thinking in terms of people,
it can mean hurt, destroyed, shattered,
feeling so low no one can possibly bring you back up.
Broken is what I feel,
lost and hurt,
confused and angry.
What do we do with a broken heart?
Do we cast it aside?
Do we force ourselves to heal and just ignore the pain?
Or do we wait it out and hope for the best?
What's the remedy for a person who feels broken?
Do we leave them to their own devices and pretend not to care?
Do we provide that shoulder to cry on, just listen and be there?
Or do we just ignore it and wait for them to come around on their own?
What are the right words to say when someone you love falls away?
Do you talk crap about the one who hurt you?
Do you cry endlessly through the nights?
Or do you grin and bear it like it doesn't matter?
What is broken?
I am.
Sara D.
Now I know that this poem really doesn't rhyme or make much sense at all I was just laying in bed thinking and felt the need to come to the computer and write and this is what came out of it. I have never been one for forcing creativity, I believe that if you are going to be creative that a poet can't force rhyme, or a painter can't always make a perfect picture, or a guitarist write the perfect song, it's all about what's inside you and letting it out in a healthy productive way, so there is my random jolt of creativity for now. Love you all.
Sara D.
maybe just a little damaged,
maybe it means beyond repair.
When thinking in terms of people,
it can mean hurt, destroyed, shattered,
feeling so low no one can possibly bring you back up.
Broken is what I feel,
lost and hurt,
confused and angry.
What do we do with a broken heart?
Do we cast it aside?
Do we force ourselves to heal and just ignore the pain?
Or do we wait it out and hope for the best?
What's the remedy for a person who feels broken?
Do we leave them to their own devices and pretend not to care?
Do we provide that shoulder to cry on, just listen and be there?
Or do we just ignore it and wait for them to come around on their own?
What are the right words to say when someone you love falls away?
Do you talk crap about the one who hurt you?
Do you cry endlessly through the nights?
Or do you grin and bear it like it doesn't matter?
What is broken?
I am.
Sara D.
Now I know that this poem really doesn't rhyme or make much sense at all I was just laying in bed thinking and felt the need to come to the computer and write and this is what came out of it. I have never been one for forcing creativity, I believe that if you are going to be creative that a poet can't force rhyme, or a painter can't always make a perfect picture, or a guitarist write the perfect song, it's all about what's inside you and letting it out in a healthy productive way, so there is my random jolt of creativity for now. Love you all.
Sara D.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Lost...
I feel so hurt, so lost, so scared.
I don't know what to do I am completely unprepared.
I wish I could know what happens next.
When exactly am I going to be thrown into a new test.
I have so much to show, and so much to give.
I want to throw myself to into the future, I want to live.
I know I've made choices that aren't really the best.
I've had to live with the good, and I've had to live with the rest.
Life isn't simple by any means.
I have also learned that things aren't always what they seem.
I wish life would slow down and give me a break.
It just feels like there is no give, nothing but take.
Please help me to believe in me.
So that maybe one day I can live in my dream.
Sara D.
This is a poem that I literally just sat down and wrote. I have been going through some really rough times right now, which I will soon elaborate on for those of you who don't know what's going on please just bear with me as I try to figure things out. For those of you who do know what I am dealing with right now (not my pregnancy) please don't say anything yet. I will do so in my own time, when I have been able to make my decisions without bias or opinions, things are slowly starting to fall into place and I hope that in the near future, I will know what I want to do.
I love you all hope you enjoyed my random burst of talent.
Love,
Sara D.
I don't know what to do I am completely unprepared.
I wish I could know what happens next.
When exactly am I going to be thrown into a new test.
I have so much to show, and so much to give.
I want to throw myself to into the future, I want to live.
I know I've made choices that aren't really the best.
I've had to live with the good, and I've had to live with the rest.
Life isn't simple by any means.
I have also learned that things aren't always what they seem.
I wish life would slow down and give me a break.
It just feels like there is no give, nothing but take.
Please help me to believe in me.
So that maybe one day I can live in my dream.
Sara D.
This is a poem that I literally just sat down and wrote. I have been going through some really rough times right now, which I will soon elaborate on for those of you who don't know what's going on please just bear with me as I try to figure things out. For those of you who do know what I am dealing with right now (not my pregnancy) please don't say anything yet. I will do so in my own time, when I have been able to make my decisions without bias or opinions, things are slowly starting to fall into place and I hope that in the near future, I will know what I want to do.
I love you all hope you enjoyed my random burst of talent.
Love,
Sara D.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Drifting Apart..
So over the course of the last few weeks, I have realized some of the people I had been calling "friends" haven't really been there for me through this one of the most difficult periods of time in my life. I texted one so called "friend" that I haven't heard from in about 2 or 3 weeks, today and I asked her "why haven't you been calling or texting me lately, are you mad at me?" and the response I got was this "No just been busy" and that was it. No sorry how have you been nothing. I know this may sound like I am being petty but this is a girl who a month and a half ago was calling and texting me like a million times a day so this is pretty weird. I inquired around to some of our mutual friends, and was told that she has been very social with them, going to the bar, going to their houses, going to the movies, whatever, but she has been "too busy with school and stuff" to hang out with me or even have a simple conversation with me? I was also told that she thinks that since I found out that I am pregnant that I have been and I quote "More annoying and irritating then ever before", I heard that and I broke down and started bawling my eyes out, this is a girl I have known since I was 18, so that really hurt. What did I do to deserve that? Then to top it all off, I had the scariest dream ever last night and woke up in tears, I really don't want to go into details about it let's just say it had something to do with me losing my baby, it terrified me. So anyways I guess I just needed to rant for a bit, thanks for listening.
Sara D.
Sara D.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I am such a loser!
So I have spent my entire day reading, what book you may ask? Well Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince, I just got to the part where Snape kills Dumbledore and no matter how many times I have read it...I cry, seriously I have totally come to expect Dumbledore to die and yet I cry? I have actually been an emotional basketcase lately, EVERYTHING seems to set me off, if I am not crying...I am angry with someone for something.
So to all you women who have had kids...does this part ever go away? I am already an emotional windstorm if you will with my Bipolar disorder, so all these other hormones are just driving me insane!
Another thing about being pregnant thats driving me nuts, is how exhausted I feel ALL THE TIME! I swear I could sleep all day and still be completly wiped out, I am getting kind of annoyed. I find myself napping now, I never used to nap, heck I never used to be able to sleep when it was daylight now I find myself crashing out on the couch at 12 noon with the curtains and blinds wide open!
I had my doctors appointment last week and it well, I am about 9 weeks along and due September 16th.
That's really all I have to report for now,
love you all,
Sara D.
So to all you women who have had kids...does this part ever go away? I am already an emotional windstorm if you will with my Bipolar disorder, so all these other hormones are just driving me insane!
Another thing about being pregnant thats driving me nuts, is how exhausted I feel ALL THE TIME! I swear I could sleep all day and still be completly wiped out, I am getting kind of annoyed. I find myself napping now, I never used to nap, heck I never used to be able to sleep when it was daylight now I find myself crashing out on the couch at 12 noon with the curtains and blinds wide open!
I had my doctors appointment last week and it well, I am about 9 weeks along and due September 16th.
That's really all I have to report for now,
love you all,
Sara D.
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