Contemplating

I've been doing alot of thinking lately, about my past, and that is something I have been repressing for awhile now. I've made alot of unsavory choices in my life and I am not proud of most of them, but they have given me the options of becoming who I am now.
I wonder, where would I be now if I had just done a couple things differently? For those of you who don't know I have been engaged twice, both when I was about 18 and 19, and I find myself wondering...what if? What if I had married Jason when I was 18 what would my life be like right now? Would I have kids? Or would I have gone through a seriously messy divorce?
Then there is Brian, I think about him and I am seriously thankful that that one ended, he was a controlling jerk who treated me like a piece of property rather then a woman.
I wonder about what kind of person I would be now if I hadn't made some of my more desperate mistakes. I may not be proud of my choices in the past but I believe that the character-building experiences that I went through really improved my outlook on things, but still I find myself wondering...what if?
What if I hadn't ever started doing the things that I knew were bad for me but I still decided that it would be "cool" to do them, or an even scarier thought...what if I hadn't quit?
The answer to that one is clear to me, if I hadn't turned my life around and quit doing the stupid, reckless, dangerous things that I was doing, I'd be dead.
I've had alot of time to think about all this lately and I'm grateful for all the experiences I've gone through, good and bad, because everything up to and including now, has made me who I am today.
So allow me to introduce myself to you,
I am Sara D, I am 22 years old, and I live at home with my mom and dad in MT. I have had many jobs, my most recent being a year and a half at walmart as a cashier.
I love to sing and dance, and read. I love to go shopping with my friends and spend time with my boyfriend, Eric. I am by no means perfect, but I am me and anyone who can't accept that can turn around and catch the door.
I know this was a super random blog, don't really know where it came from, I'll post more laterz.
Love you all,
Sara D.

Getting to know me

So this blog is going to be about me. I have been posting for awhile and most of you really don't know much about my favorite things. So I am calling this the 7 random things about random things.

Favorite movies.
1. Twilight...it was amazing
2. The Harry Potter movies, I just love getting caught up in the fantasy world of Harry Potter.
3. P.S. I Love You, It's just so romantic.
4. Anything with Johnny Depp, I mean duh it's Johnny Depp.
5. Transformers!!!!!!!!!!
6. The Lord of the Rings trilogy, I've always been a big fan fantasy.
7. Sleeping Beauty, every girl has to have a favorite Disney princess.

Favorite Books
1. The Twilight series (as if anyone expected anything different)
2. The Harry Potter series
3. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
4.The "In Death" series
5. The "Anita Blake Vampire Hunter" series.
6.The Fablehaven series.
7. The Inheriantce trilogy.

7 Favorite Musicians
1. Buckcherry
2. David Archuleta
3. *NSYNC (I know I am a dork)
4. Taylor Swift
5. 3 Days Grace
6. Hinder
7. Linkin Park

7 Favorite Songs
1. Decode-Paramoure
2. Crush-David Archuleta
3. Gone Forever-3 Days Grace
4. Leave Out All The Rest-Linkin Park
5. Lips Of An Angel-Hinder
6. Everything-Buckcherry
7. Let It Rock-Kevin Rudolf

7 Favorite TV Shows
1. CSI-Miami
2. Friends
3. Two and A Half Men
4. Family Guy
5. Futurama
6. The Girls Next Door
7. Sex and the City

7 Dream Vacation Spots
1. Paris
2. Venice
3. Rome
4. London
5. New York City
6. Madrid
7. Tokyo

7 Favorite Video Games
1. Guitar Hero
2. Kingdom Hearts
3. Kingdom Hearts 2
4. Final Fantasy X-2
5. SingStar
6. Transformers
7. Anything Mario

7 Random Facts About Me.
1. I love to sing and dance it's my biggest passion.
2. I've been reading chapter books since I was in the first grade and reading at a college level since the fourth grade.
3. I am a great cashier, I've been told so by numerous people.
4. I am a very hyper person, I always seem to have a ton of energy.
5. I am dating a great young man named Eric, he was wonderful and treats me like a princess.
6. I love to write. Poems, short stories, blogs, whatever as long as I can write.
7. I love my family and friends more then anything in the world.

So there you guys go, some random facts about Sara D. that you may or may not have known.
I hope that everyone is doing well. Love you all.
Hugs,
Sara D.

Twilight!!!!!!

So as I'm sure you guessed from the title I finally went and saw Twilight, and I absolutely loved it!!!!!!!! They did such a great job on it, the Cullen family was PERFECT!!!!! I thought the most gorgeous character by far was Emmet he was delicious, although James could hang, for a bad guy he was gorgeous.
I was super impressed with the whole thing though, everything down to the ballet studio, and the schools. I cannot wait to see it again. OMG...I just fell in love with it. I can't wait for New Moon to come out and see how wonderful that was is.
In other news I am still currently job searching and hoping that something comes out of this search. I am really missing my walmart family lately though. I never realized how much I cared about all of them till I didn't get to see them anymore. I went in the other day to take my New Moon and Eclipse books in for my friend Eva's mom Tina to read, and I got stopped every other footstep I swear with people asking me what happened to me and if I was going to come back when my sixty days is up and I told them I don't know. I do know however that my contacts list in my phone book has like tripled in size since I quit lol apparently I was very much loved there.
Well thats about all for now I will post more soon.
Hugs,
Sara D.

Job hunt...day 1.

So today I decided to get my rear in gear right away to look for a new part time job. I went to the mall and put applications in almost every single store there and I'm hoping something comes from that, but my friend Becky is going to pick me up tomorrow and we are going to put out more applications in tomorrow so I will hopefully have a new job soon.
It felt so weird to go into walmart today and see the long lines and not have to start stressing out. It was another day filled with tears and hugs when I ran into some of the people I hadn't gotten to tell yet. I got alot of new phone numbers and promises to hang out and keep in touch. The worst goodbye for me was probably the CSM's, I really am going to miss the people, but I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to get to know all of them, I have made some wonderful life long friendships. I am so excited to begin this new chapter in my life.

I'm free!!!!!

So I went to go into work tonite and when I got there my assistant manager pulled me in the back room and told me that my absences were getting pretty bad again and that they would have to take the coaching process which in this case would mean termination, I then promptly quit.
I am actually kinda relieved if that makes any sense. I have been pretty unhappy there for awhile now and this is going to be a nice hiatus. Brian would like me to come reapply in 60 days so he can rehire me. He told me my job will always be open for me and he would for sure rehire me when the time comes that I am ready to return.
So for now I am going to find a part-time job to have an income then go back to walmart after a few months when I can handle it again.
Things with Eric and I are going great, he really truly is a blessing to me, I feel so amazed to have gotten lucky enough to have a man who treats me so well and makes me feel so good about myself.
I'm kinda nervous about not working at walmart, I mean I have been there for so long and am so used to the routine of it, but it will be good for me to do something different for awhile. I am really going to miss my walmart family I mean they have been so amazing to me for so long and have helped me through some of the worst times in my life. It's so hard to imagine not seeing them everyday now. There were a lot of tears when I told everyone and a lot of hugs.
I'm also going to apply for the next semester of college at msu in bozeman, I have a couple of friends up there who said I could stay with them until I could get established up there, so there is an option and so is UofM in missoula I have some friends up there too. I am really excited to start a new chapter of my life and hopefully someday soon I can walk back into my walmart and have everyone be proud of what I have done with myself. I am going to take this as an oppertunity to better myself. I wont let this break me, I can survive through this. So like I said in the title I'm Free and I can do this!!!!!!!
Hugs and Kisses,
Sara D.

Voiceless in Montana

So I woke up this morning feeling sicker then a dog, I lost my voice and I have a high fever. So I called in to work and now I have a whole night off. I called Eric to tell him I wasn't gonna make it in to work and he told me that it made him sad that he wasn't going to get to see me today. He is so sweet. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Recently I have had a few ex boyfriends try and pop back up into my life and I hung out with one of them the other day and all it did was make me realize how happy I am with Eric and how lucky I am to have him. I am so amazed that this wonderful man is in my life and wants to be with me. When I met Eric I wasn't looking for a boyfriend I was just loooking for a friend, and I never would've expected that Eric and I would end up like this, I am so amazed and honestly very excited to see how things progress between us. I had all but given up on relationships before we started hanging out. I wanted nothing to do with them at all I was to the point that I thought that relationships were a waste of time, and as soon as I stopped looking for it, it found me. I am so excited that everything is going so well for me other then being sick. I am starting to go job hunting here soon too. I need to get out of walmart. well thats it for now talk to y'all later.
Lot's of Love,
Sara D.

And...on to number three

So work absolutely sucked tonight, I get there and everyone is in a bad mood and to top it off we are busy as heck so I jump right on into it and then I have nothing but jerk off customers. I'm just wondering since when is it considered correct social decorum to treat a perfect stranger like they are a piece of garbage that you can step on? I was under the impression that it was wrong to mistreat anyone let alone someone you don't know. I mean seriously how is it okay to tell someone you don't know that they are useless or worthless or dumb? My self esteem has taken a severe beating since I started working there and it's only getting worse. I know I shouldn't listen to what people say I mean chances are I'm never going to see any of them ever again so my should I worry what they think of me? What does it really matter? I absolutely hate that I'm so sensitive because I'm always getting hurt or let down. I wish I could be tough and not care but sometimes it gets so overwhelming when you try not to care. Eric is pretty worried about me after tonight because I had a few issues with a couple of the overnight supervisors and I ended up in the back room by claims crying and he walked past and saw me even though I was hiding in a corner, he came up to me and hugged me and asked me what was wrong and I wouldn't even tell him I just wiped my eyes and went in the bathroom and fixed my make up. Thats another thing thats upsetting me is my overwhelming paranoia of getting hurt, I can't even open myself up to be cared for by Eric because of what other men have put me through I have these walls up that I can't seem to tear down. Maybe with time I will be able to and hopefully it's not too late, I really don't want to lose him.
Well I am exhausted and I am going to bed now I will post more soon.
Hugs, kisses, and lot's of love going to everyone,
Sara D.

Two days in a row woo hoo I'm on a roll

So I was just sitting here being bored and I decided to post another blog. I really don't know what this one is about but I'll just make it up as I go.

I start working my four pm to 1 am shifts today and I am really not looking forward to it except that I get to spend a little bit more time with Eric he's gonna be picking me up before work and then he wants to spend lunch with me and hang out after work.

I am really starting to get frustrated with things at work because I work my rear end off and I seem to get absolutely nowhere for it. I know how to work almost every department in the store and I continue to be stuck where I am at, while people who have not been with the company nearly as long as me or who don't work nearly as hard as I do and moving up in the company and I just hate watching it. Granted I am happy for everyone who is able to move up and progress I just wish that I could.

Anyways, my dad got the tire on the van fixed and the only other damage was that I lost the hubcap for the tire and he would like me to go look for it. Well I have to get ready to go to work now so I will update more later on.

Lot's of love,
Sara D.

I suck at keeping this thing updated

So here's whats new with me. I am still working at walmart but they have been training me out in automotive so I am thinking that after the holidays that I might move departments because I have alot of fun out there. I am also seeing someone new, we have been hanging out for the last month almost every nite and we are getting along great. He's really sweet and he is always telling me I am beautiful. His name is Eric he is 22 and we have alot in common. He makes me laugh and I'm really happy with a guy for the first time since Bobby and I broke up last march or may whatever it was I don't really care anymore.
Eric and I met at work about three or four months ago and we started talking on occasion when we'd see eachother and slowly the conversations started getting longer and longer until one day I decided to give him my phone number and when I didn't hear from him after a week I figured thats that.
Well one night I was with my friend Jessica getting ready for the buckcherry concert and out of the blue he texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out after the show. So we met up and went to the Circle Inn to do some karoke and Jessica wanted to go home so she took Eric back to his car and he asked if I still wanted to hang out...and I did so we drove around for awhile and when he took me back home......he kissed me!
Now he stops by every night after he gets off work even if it's just to give me a good night kiss.
Every day before he clocks in at 4 he finds what register I'm on so he can say hi and give me a hug and then I go to the backroom to say goodbye to him before I go home.
In other news I got into my first snow realted car wreck on tuesday when I was coming home from Laurel the interstate was really icy and I went into the median but the only thing that happened was that I ripped the tire off the rim and it just needs popped back on and pilled and balanced. Other that that I have no news. I will really try to keep this thing updated more often I love you all.
Sara D.

Life According to Sara

So I know I am horrible about posting but lately I have no internet. I just want to update everyone on how I am doing.
So I am still working at Walmart and am quickly approaching my one year anniversary. I am so happy with my job I enjoy the people I work with and my job in general. I am now training three new cashiers on top of my other responsabilites but thats cool. It's just hard to train when I am bouncing from cashier to customer service to automotive to people greeting just how the heck am I gonna accomplish anythin with my trainee?
On the guy front I have met someone new and things are going well but we have decided to take things really slow because we both recently got out of serious relationships. So that is all I have for now hopefully I will post more soon

Moving On

So I know it's been a really long time since I last posted a blog. So here's an update on my life.

I am now living on my own on the west end. I had moved in with the guy I was dating and about two weeks after we moved in we broke up. He continued to live there for about a month and a half longer which really hurt me every day. I am now starting to heal and move on. I still love him dearly and wish him nothing but the best in life and his future but I can no longer have him as a regular part of my life.

In other news I have been going through a serious bout of depression and it's causing anxiety attacks for me so I went to work and they had to put me on a leave of abscence while I was dealing with this. I have an appointment on Thursday at the deering clinic to get back on my lithium and hopefully that will settle my brain down. I can't keep feeling so low all the time. It's making me sick literally. All I seem to do anymore is cry all the time. I wake up and cry, I got to work and cry, I go to bed at night and cry myself to sleep. I just hurt all the time. I feel so broken and abused and to be completly honest...terrified. I am terrified of being alone and unloved and dying without someone there for me. My new roomates mom has offered to help me for free. I am really scared of the pain I am feeling.

Anyways thats about it for now. I will leave you more news soon.

What would you do?

So the other day at work I had the world's worst customer, here's the story.

I was working on a belted lane, and we were really frickin busy, this lady comes through my line and was really nice until she went to pay for her purchases.... and her check got declined. For those of you who don't know the Wal mart that I work at does electronic checking which means as the cashier I have no say in weather or not the check gets accepted or declined...well her check (for reasons unknown to us) got declined and she freaked out and her demeanor changed instantly. She kept asking me why it was declined and I told her that I didn't have acess to that information and that if she wanted to know why she needed to call the number on the declined slip and Telecheck would let her know why, well she proceeded to tell me she wanted someone competent to come over and take care of it so I called over a Customer Service Manager (CSM) and Sparkles came over to help out and told the lady the exact same thing I had so the lady looks and Sparkles and tells her that she needs to do something cause she's gonna pay for her purchase and leave and my CSM tells her that there is nothing we can do and unless she has another form of payment that we can't take her check, so the lady literally loses it and next thing I know I have a duffel bag flying at my face, she pulled it out of her cart and threw it at me), then I see a plastic bag full of other items flying at me...then I see a metal curtain rod coming straight for my nose. I was able to catch the items before they hit me but still very scary. So Sparkles slams her keys and the palm pilot down on my bag carasol and tells the lady that she is escorting her and her husband out of the store. Her husband then proceeded to tell Sparkles that his wife had low blood sugar and thats why she reacted the way that she did so Sparkles tells him that she doesn't care and the issue was not my fault and she had no right to assault her cashier like that and her husband "Well it was all your cashiers fault." I was extremely upset at being assaulted so Sparkles sent me to the bathroom to calm down for a minute when I got in there another CSM Lora followed me in there to make sure I was okay and she told me to sit in there as long as I needed and just to cry it out. Well I was in there for about 10 minutes and when I came out Assistant Manager Brian was standing over by the CSM podium and walked over to me and asked me about what happened then sent me to lunch an hour early. Needless to say I almost walked out and if it hadn't been for Assistant's Brian and Darcy and Co-Manager Ken I probably would have.
So I went back in today for my shift and I was actually doing really well...until I got my first check order...I had a mini panic attack in the 2 seconds it took for the check to clear, then when I got my first irritated customer, I got so scared I almost started crying again.
Do you know what it feels like to be terrified of your own job? I get verbally assaulted on a regular basis! I can understand being scared of being physically assaulted while walking to the car late at night, but being scared of being beat up while I'm on the clock behind my register? Does that make any sense? I think I might honestly have a touch of post traumatic stress (I know I am probably over-reacting but the term fits for now).
I don't know what to do I am honestly terrified of angry customers now. I talked to my store manager and he told me he would personally make sure that those two were not welcomed back, shouldn't that make me feel any better? I don't know whatever. I am going to bed now.

The old and the new

So I have been thinking lately... about the past and the present alot.

Last night my boyfriend and I had a really long discussion about where our realtionship is going and it scared me because for once I really don't know. I used to think I knew where everything was headed but as you can see I don't.
For those of you who don't know I have been engaged twice since I turned 18 and both of those guys treated me like garbage. Thank goodness both realtionships fell through cause if I had married either of those guys it would have ended in divorce I can honestly say that is the truth.
I am so happy to be with the man that I am with. He treats me like I am a queen and I greatly apprecaite him.
So the old is now something I have decided to let go finally. I am done with the what if's of the past and I look forward the future in the realtionship I am in now.

Life is complicated

So I have been super busy, work and all that.

I really want to go to school, but I can't seem to work up the motivation to want to apply. I guess it's fear of rejection, I don't know weather or not I will get accepted and that scares me. I don't like being rejected for anything, and I fear not getting into school.
Then there's the fear of failure, I get nervous about it. I know myself well enough that when I stress out over something too hard, I tend to quit and just give up, this is something I have struggled with for years. I hate that I get so nervous about things and then I tend to obsess about the issue even long after it has been resolved.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to work at wal-mart for the rest of my life but it feels safe, I don't know if that will make sense to anyone else, but it works for me. I am in a position at work that means the only way I can lose my job is if I screw up beyond belief, which is honestly very hard to do. There are also plenty of oppertunites for advancement but you look and see how long most of the cashiers have been at my store and they are all still where they were to begin with, that scares me too.
On another note, my personal life has been going great. I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and things are wonderful, our realtionship is not perfect by any means (but whose is?), but it works for us. I adore him and he adores me back. We take good care of each other.
I have really been missing my younger sister as of lately and don't really know how to say it to her but I think she knows. I would really like to go and visit her sometime.
Tiel and I have been doing really well with our realtionship too, I think that Annicka has had a lot to do with bringing us closer together.
I don't know what else to say really so I am going to end this now.
Good night and much love,
Sara D.

So yeah this is my life

Most of my family seems to have one of these so I figured I would create one. So I guess here goes. Hey my name is Sara D. and if u haven't guessed I am a walmart cashier. I love my job but goodness it's stressful sometimes.
Me and one of my coworkers calculated it out the other day and on a busy day at my store I deal with about 875 people a day. We get people from all over the state as well as WY and the Dakotas.
So enough about my job. I am 21 years old and live in MT. I am currently in a realtionship with a wonderful man whom I absolutley adore. I love to sing, dance, talk on the phone, play with my neice, and all sorts of other things. I'll be getting back atcha sometime soon ya'll hope you like my blogspot.